charring | (no subject)

No. It's not nothing. If I thought it was nothing, I wouldn't be here. [She guides him towards somewhere to sit, settling next to him and curling herself against his shoulder.] And you're not a stupid jerk.

[As for missing home? Charlie nods slightly. She sort of knows that feeling.] So how do you want to break the law, Bucky?

[ Bucky can't tell her,the half-blurted confession now stuck in his throat. His fingers clench against his lap for a moment, the other hand lifting the cigarette so he can pull smoke into his lungs, and he feels guilty for a moment, stupid, the sluggish pull of whiskey in his veins making it impossible to keep his thoughts straight. ]

I ain't sure it's even illegal here, I don't - . [ The more he's drunk, the thicker his accents gotten, a proper old fashioned New York thing. ] I jus' know it is where m'from, and I don't - awh hell, forget it. I'm a stupid shit.

[Oh, fuck this noise. Charlie really was trying to be helpful and calm and quiet but he wasn't saying a damn thing useful and she was tired and he woke her up to ramble about God knew what. She was getting annoyed. Sitting up and moving away to look at him properly, she let one bony fist fly at his shoulder, connecting hard. And then one more for good measure.] Would you just get to the god damn point before I go get a bottle of ice water from the store and dump it on your head? I can't help you if you tell me nothing.

[ There's nothing but silence for a moment, before Bucky starts laughing, a quiet kind of boyish thing, rougher with the smoke and the booze, but still youthful. ]

Awh jeez, am I gonna have'ta teach you to punch too?

No. Buffy's going to teach me. Now talk. I wasn't kidding about the ice water. [She leans on him again, yawning. At least she got him to laugh.]

Can't.

[ Bucky leans back against the bench, the cigarette burning into a stub between his fingers. ] It's not like m'tryin' to keep secrets, s'just that I can't. Not about this. It's kinda - I don't know.

I can guarantee that you can. As big a hell as this place is, some of us have found it to be a place of freedom in a fashion. To be ourselves without having to worry.

[Case in point; her.] I don't think you'll be judged for it, either, whatever it is.

S'not me I'm worried about.

[ Flicking away the butt. ] If it were jus' me, I wouldn't give a shit, I can take what life deals out t'me, y'know? It's not - I can't. I shouldn't a-called.

[She stands and holds her hand out to him.] Come on. I'm dragging you to my house and we can talk there. The bench is uncomfortable. And please just tell me what's wrong. You have nothing to worry about with me and you know it. I just don't get why you're being vague.

[ Curling his hand around hers, rising to his feet a little unsteady, but he's been drunker like this and made it, so there's minimal risk. ]

Yes, ma'am.

[And, as habit, she walks quickly and carefully. Her apartment isn't far and thank God the snow was gone. And when she gets in, Hypnos is all for sniffing Bucky's shoes. Charlie drags Bucky to the couch and sits, pulling him to do the same.] Here. My room-mate is passed out in her room. It's pretty much just you and I now. So please just talk.

[ Rubbing the heel of his palm into his eyesockets when Hypnos jumps up to stare at them both, Bucky's voice going kind of flat around the edges. ]

I'm a soldier, Charlie. I don't get to choose what I talk about. And okay, sure, I'm here, it's fine, but I can't. I can't open that, 'cause sooner or later I go back and I'd have t'shut it all back up again.

No one remembers being here, so what does that matter? Sure, that's a depressing thought, but why let it stop you from making the most of what you have now?

Do you ever jus' get the feelin' that the world hates you? That everythin' you do has to become some fuckin' joke?

Is this a serious question and do you remember who you're talking to?

Christ. Jus' ignore me, I'm not allowed t'think.

[ Burying his face into his hands. ] Falsworth made it a rule.

No. I'm not ignoring you. And I'm not letting you leave until you're sober and in a better mood. [She reaches over, wrapping both her arms around his closest one, looking up at him.] Please tell me whats wrong. Or I'm going to start thinking you don't trust me.

I do.

[ Leaning into her for a second. ] If I say it, I can't take it back, okay? So it's not you, it's me, and I don't wanna.

If you say it, I won't judge. I won't blab. [A sigh. A pause. Another Charlie-hug.] Just remember; no matter what you say or do, nothing will stop me from considering you family.

I'm drunk. [ As though that's all he needs to not say anything. ] I'm drunk an' I'm stupid, an' I need t'not let all of that let it out, you're like a sister to me, kid, but there are some things y'keep even from family.

You're going to have to tell someone eventually. Whatever it is, it sounds huge and will only hurt you and others if you keep it in. [She stands and hurries to her room a moment, grabbing the pillows and blankets off of her bed before returning.] Get some sleep. Don't go anywhere in the state you're in. You promise me.

[Not a question at all. It was a demand.]

Yeah.

[ A beat. ] Listen, can we not tell Steve about this?

[She nods, hugging him tightly.] Won't say a word to him. Just sleep. I'll be in my room reading if you need me.

[She's beginning to feel the faint creep of insomnia inch into her brain. Wonderful.] Night, Bucky.

[ Mumbling. ] Sorry.